Don’t let the doctor in

7 12 2009

I am terrified of going to the doctor. Not in general, of course (although after the taking-of-the-blood-sample-gone-terribly-awry episode, I suppose I should be), yet today – specifically – I am.

So, I took the title of my blog entry from a Fall Out Boy song, 20 DOLLAR NOSE BLEED. The chorus rings: “Call me/ Mr Benzedrine/ But don’t let the doctor in I wanna blow off steam/ Call me/ Mr Benzedrine/ But don’t let the doctor/ Don’t let the doctor in” ( Now I know that Benzedrine must be some kind of prescription drug, so I looked it up and found out that it’s a kind of amphetamine – and amphetamine is used to stimulate the central nervous system. As puts it, it is “used chiefly to lift the mood in depressive states”. Apparently, “the drugs are highly addictive and are sometimes abused”.

In the great Fall Out Boy tradition of singing about life, love, celebrity life (as they are part of the industry), and every other such thing, I completely understand the Mr Benzedrine part. For many people, over-the-counter drugs become  kind of survival technique, a dependency they cannot kick the habit of, and which eventually leads them to become addicts in their own way. In a case such as mine, the unhappy state I find myself in (which I shall explain shortly), it is very tempting to become a Ms Benzedrine and just float away on a happy cloud to block out all the bad vibes that are rocking my metabolic system right now. But, unfortunately – or should I rather say fortunately? – it just doesn’t seem to work for me.

I suffer from excruciating migraines. I suppose you all know this by now. I’ve had a headache for every single day of my life since the 11th of 12th grade. During the latter of my university years, they started to become migraines, and although they dull somewhat, my head always hurts. Headache tablets have stopped helping, even the strong stuff. In fact, it just makes my head pound even worse. The last two and a half weeks, the migraines have grown far worse than I have ever experienced them. I went for neck x-rays a while ago, because the doctor thought they might be tension headaches, like before, yet the neurologist couldn’t find anything wrong with my neck. He actually told me I had a beautiful neck, what he called a Nefertiti neck, like the ancient Egyptian queen, smooth and delicately curved (oh, and long…)

I’m not quite sure what to make of my migraines. Although I am young, being nearly 23, yet can my age factor out the possibility of a tumour? Anything is possible, and my little pessimistic mind is racing with anxiety, always acting on the worst case scenario. I hope it’s a worst case scenario, at least…

Another reason why I need to see the doctor, is because I am most dreadfully worried that I have cysts on my ovaries, just like my older sister had them. I am displaying all the symptoms she suffered from, and yesterday I thought I would die from pain, nausea, dizziness, and a general feeling of unease. I’ve been worried about this for quite some time, yet I have been unable to make it to a gynaecologist. I’ll have to see how today goes, get the doctor’s opinion, and then make an emergency appointment with my sister’s gynae.

Can you understand why I am terrified now?

Let’s just hope my pessimism is part of my genetic make-up, and that my genes are wrong about my symptoms.




2 responses

7 12 2009

I’m sorry you have to go through all of this crap. I know how it is, having a body that revolts against me, myself. Hopefully the doctor will have good news for you.

7 12 2009
Tweets that mention Don’t let the doctor in « The Skinny on my Jeans (Genes) --

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Liske van Lill, s.severin. s.severin said: Don't let the doctor in « The Skinny on my Jeans (Genes): I went for neck x-rays a while ago, because the d.. […]

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