I’ve had better days, thanks

16 04 2010

People are always asking each other how they are, and for some reason unbeknownst to myself, they always feel compelled to answer that they are all right or pretty well. Standard question, standard answers. But for once, I’d like to answer in a negative way, and have someone listen to why I feel the way I do. I suppose it’s common courtesy not to pester people with how you are feeling, yet if someone takes the time to ask how you are doing, they should have at least a little bit of time and patience to listen to your answer.

So, if you were to ask me today, “how are you doing/feeling?”, my answer would most likely be: “I’ve had better days, thanks”. Now let me tell you why:

* Since my mother bought me the bridesmaid dress for my older sister’s wedding, I have gained 5kgs. Granted, I lost a bit of weight a while back (quite inexplicably), yet now I have gained that weight back, and more. I weigh a bit more than when I met my fiancé, and for a personage of female stature, that can be quite depressing. Also, I now weigh more than I did when I first fit my wedding dress at the end of October. I feel fat, miserable, and downright disheartened – thanks for not asking.

* About aforementioned point: I think they weight-gain could also have something to do with my ovaries that are messed up (not to mention water retention). I’m in a great amount of pain, have been for the last two weeks, and I feel bloated. Yes, I know, it sounds so typical for a woman to say something like that, and yet I am not kidding. Possible endometriosis, plus ovary pains and problems for 7 years (going on 8, now) is no walk in the park.

* I am scheduled to see my gynaecologist on the 6th of May, after which, on the 11th of May, I am going in for my laparoscopy. If that isn’t a good reason to feel terrified and despondent over, then I am not sure what does constitute a good one. We’re talking about at least 2 weeks of pain here – one of which I’ll most likely spend a surmountable portion of my time in bed. But hey, I’ll look on the bright side: perhaps only consuming liquids (hot, hearty soups, as winter is coming), I just might shed a few kgs. During the op, they’ll also be inserting an intra-uterine device (Mirena) – it just might help, thus I’m willing to try it. It’ll be more effective at regulating my cycle, et cetera, than birth control, at any rate, as the oestrogen therein isn’t good for me (I get migraines).

* Writer’s block. I have enough poems and short stories to set up two anthologies – one for the poetry, one for the short stories – yet that probably won’t happen anytime soon. I still have to work on the ending of one story, but I cannot seem to concentrate on it. I also find it difficult to find inspiration, or just to pick up my pencil and doodle nonsense words. My inner writer has vacated the premises temporarily, and I hope that she’ll be back soon… if at all…

* I still haven’t found a job. The media industry isn’t too fond of people who don’t have at least two or more years’ worth of experience. And even if experience isn’t required, I still don’t seem to fit their criteria – if I did, I would at least be getting interviews or something, right? Perhaps I’m just a lost cause. Perhaps my 3-year BA course, as well as my Honours in English (Cum Laude!!) isn’t worth squat, which means that I have essentially wasted 4 years of my life. Is it normal to feel this way once you’ve reached the age of 23? Certainly I’m too young to have a mid-life crisis… right?!

* My headaches are worsening into full-blown migraines. I don’t want to do anything of go anywhere; I just want to lie in bed with my cat and stroke her soft fur until the headache dissipates enough in order for me to make a cup of tea… that, or I just want to watch animated films and Scooby-Doo/ Angry Beavers episodes. I believe one can definitely put a label on that and file it under “Sad”.

* My Significant Other and I are going to talk a few things over at a place I want for our wedding venue. The only thing is, there’s probably no use in going there now and booking the place, as we’ll most likely only have enough money for the deposit by the end of May (or maybe even June). The wedding is scheduled for precisely a year from now, which is why I wanted to book my venue now. The venue I am looking at already has quite a few bookings for next year, and I don’t want to lose the date I have my heart set on… My obsessive compulsive self is hyperventilating into a metaphorical brown paper bag right now.

* I still feel like the ugly sister caught between two beauties. I wish I hadn’t cut my hair, I wish I hadn’t gained weight, I wish I had a job, I wish I could do more for my parents, I wish wish wish wish…

[My two gorgeous sisters, picture taken on my older sister’s wedding day (10 April 2010). Do you understand why I feel that I pale in comparison now?]

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6 responses

16 04 2010
Matan Uberstein

It’s important to keep you chin up, better days are always around the corner. You just need to decide when you want to go there. Life is a constant struggle to keep you head afloat. If you let life get you down, you are the one suffering under it and those closes to you. So be strong, don’t worry to much, keep you chin up and decide when you make the necessary steps to change things. Everyone has the power to decide what’s best.

Regarding your sisters; YOU are by no doubt the most beautiful! Inner and outer beauty, ‘you has it’ 😉

18 04 2010
Ashli

Cheer up buttercup.

We all go through periods like this. Over the laast year I’ve been going through what I call my “quarter life crisis”. I realized that even though i have a University degree I’ll likely end up in retail management.

It took a while, but I’ve decided I’m okay with it. Just keep on trucking. When I have days where I just want to lay in bed and sulk with my dogs, I do. But not for too long…maybe an hour. Then I ask my boyfriend for a hug and a kiss, and go to the gym.

It’s been helping.

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