In dependence

8 06 2010

I would like to believe that I am – at least partially – an independent woman. I have my own thoughts and dreams, and my own opinions. I can speak stand up for and speak for myself. I can take care of myself, in the sense that I can cook, clean, work with a tight budget, and keep myself occupied so as not to get bored for at least a while.

Yet all of us must admit that, for the most part, or at least a great deal thereof, we still find ourselves in dependence – or, should I perhaps say, in a state (condition, situation, position) of dependence.

We depend on others to love and care for us. We depend on stores and various people to provide services to us. We depend on the government to take our voices into consideration when making decisions and alterations to better the country (although this is yet to be seen…) I depend on my Significant Other to pay the rent, my study loan, and basically everything else since I haven’t found employment yet. This sucks, naturally, for me, because I don’t enjoy feeling like and definitely don’t want to be a sponge, but circumstances call for someone I can trust, someone I can depend on… not only for putting a roof over my head and seeing that the cupboards and fridge are stocked with food for me to prepare, but also someone who makes me feel safe and secure and loved.

In a situation like that, being at a lost for personal independence, the state of being dependent on another is actually all right. Love, after all, is also a form of dependency, and without a little bit of love, the world would be a much bleaker place indeed.

I found a true affirmation of my dependence yesterday, thus I shall make my declaration of ‘in dependence’ now for my readers: yesterday morning, when my Significant Other took Smudgy to the vet in order to get spayed (fixed), a true feeling of reliance was brought into being for me. I felt utterly lost for the most part all of yesterday.

My kitten wasn’t at home.

When I turned around, she wasn’t lying on the bed, curled up all cute and looking at me with sleepy eyes. She wasn’t walking about looking for mischief, sitting in the kitchen sink or harassing the bathroom towels. She didn’t come to be playful and bite my ankles. No purring, no jumping on the kitchen counter, no meowing for food/ attention or chasing about like a mad little thing.

She just wasn’t here… and it made me feel terribly lonely.

My Significant Other went to pick Smudgy up at 6 PM, and when she arrived home, it tore me up to see those sad, slightly sleepy and confused (or perhaps, rather, disbelieving) eyes looking up at me from inside her basket. I tried to make her as comfortable as possible, putting her blanket inside her bed, laying out pillows on the floor, even having the extra duvet folded up nicely on the floor against the wall in case she decided to curl up into a little ball there. At first she just went to sit in the corner, moving onto the bed later when she seemed more at home, and finally settling down on the folded up duvet on the floor. She got up to go to the bathroom twice, and once even came looking for me when I went to the kitchen, rubbing against my legs, and allowing me to pet her before returning to her slumber spot.

She hasn’t eaten anything since early Sunday evening, since she had to go in yesterday (it’s like that with any operation, even with humans, although for our ‘species’ we aren’t allowed food from early morning onward). I didn’t expect her to have much of an appetite last night, and she has yet to have some food this morning. We’ll have to get her to eat somehow, though, since we need to give her some pain medication.

It’s good to have my soft ball of fluffy fur home again. When we got a cat, it wasn’t only because I love cats, but because I needed a companion, someone I could look after and love, a little critter to care for – someone who would love and depend on me. And, as ever, the tables have turned: I depend far more on her than I could ever imagine…

…and I am loving this state of dependence I find myself in. Every single moment of every single day.

Smudgy this morning, lying on 'her' duvet. Poor thing 😦 Mommy will take care of you! ❤




One response

8 06 2010

She’s so cute!

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