1. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!
2. Kitchen closed – this chick has had it!
3. I’m creative – don’t expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service… If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day… Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is a sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don’t like my standards of cooking… lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house… but please don’t write in it!
15. Apology: Although you’ll find our house a mess… Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this – some days it’s even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
21. Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
22. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
23. My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.
24. Gardening forever… Housework, never!
25. Dull women have immaculate houses.
26. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.