Message Sessions IV

21 06 2012

Dear cell phone

I love you – I really do. I’m quite sentimental over you due to the fact that you were purchased while we were on honeymoon last year. However, you better get your act together. Yesterday you froze and didn’t allow me to use Opera Mini, and I had to resort to uninstalling and then reinstalling the application. Now, this morning, you don’t want to send and receive my e-mails! Just remember that you are easily replaceable…

Slightly frustrated,

Checking for a new phone

——–

Dear guy who attended aqua aerobics for the first time last night

I’m very happy that you decided to do something about your excessive bulk and join the gym to better your lifestyle. Aqua aerobics (aka the splash class) is a fun workout that always leaves me feeling refreshed afterwards, and I hope that you’ll learn to enjoy it as well. BUT, nearly ramming into me and constantly getting in the way sort of ruined my evening, making the exercise feel useless and causing me to feel like an idiot when the instructor keeps looking over at us. One thing you should know about me: I looove contemplating murder. Just a thought.

Insincerely yours,

Stay out of my way

——–

Dear Smudgy

Thanks for being my little fur-baby! I’m so glad that you’ve been more loving of late, although I’m not sure what’s so alluring about my post-workout scent that makes you want to cuddle up next to me, or the taste of chlorine water that you lick off of my foot/ankle…

Love & hugs,

Your human mommy

——–

Dear Significant Other

Bzzz-bzzz-bzzzzzz. That is all 😉

Oodles of love,

Me xxx

——–

Dear Mythbusters

Thank you for making my evenings sooo much better and greatly entertaining! Nothing goes better with my thoughts about murder, despair and all things macabre in general than watching you guys blowing stuff up. Nearly done with season 5 – three more seasons (and plenty of explosions) to go!

Keep blowing stuff  it up,

A big fan

——–

Dear me

Get your rear in gear and work on your book review site!!!

Seriously,

No more excuses

Image from pusheen.com

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Message Sessions III

27 03 2012

Dear Department of Home Affairs

You better send me my new ID soon. The fact that you misprinted my ID and never let me know about it doesn’t put you in my good books… not to mention the inconvenience of having to fill in the forms again and getting that annoying black ink all over my fingers for prints. You better not mess up again, or there’ll be hell to pay. Why can’t you just get your sh*t together?!

Fed up,

A hard-working tax payer (likely helping to pay your salary!)

– – –

Dear movie people who determined the release dates of films

I read THE HUNGER GAMES trilogy at the beginning of last year and have been eagerly anticipating the release of the first film since then. However, for some or other reason, it only starts showing in South Africa on the 13th of April!! Now I have to try and avoid reading people’s tweets, reviews, memes et cetera for the next two and a half weeks. I don’t know why the release dates for films as greatly anticipated as this one need to differ from country to country (read: for us not living in the US), but just know that you have really ticked me off. And then you wonder why so many people download pirated versions of films…

Disdainfully,

An annoyed filmgoer

– – –

Dear writers of dystopian novels

I love you. There’s no better way of putting it.

Warm regards,

An avid reader

– – –

Dear work/job

Thanks for not accumulating while I was away for the last week and a half. It’s nice to think that all the e-mails I came back to this morning were only general updates/admin and the like. Now if only we could arrange for a salary increase with the new contract I received this morning… I don’t particularly want to be jobless from the 1st of April, but I also feel all the hard work I put in is worth more than I’m getting. Don’t worry – I’m sure we’ll work something out. I think I’ll go crazy if I have to sit at home, unemployed, with nothing to do with my time… unless I start a little home bakery… or the whole book review blog idea picks up.

Gratefully,

Obsessive-compulsive workaholic

– – –

Dear Significant Other

Thanks for the few ‘lunch dates’ while I was on leave, for helping me download books to read, for making me laugh when I felt bored/depressed/listless, for watching CONAN THE ADVENTURER with me (and enjoying it!)… and for just being you. Oh, and for reinstalling/fixing my laptop – you always know best *haha*

Oodles of love,

Me xxx

– – –

Dear Mr Awesplendmarkable

Thank you sooo much for sending me your latest novel a while ago – I read it in a day and LOVED it (I’ve told you that already but it’s worth repeating). If I were a publisher, I’d definitely snatch you up! Thanks also for being such a great friend and for letting me be one of the first people to immerse myself in (and comment on) your works of fiction. It’s much more fun than schools publishing. You ROCK!!

Signed

Your biggest fan… 😉

– – –

Dear life

Get yourself on track. I know I’ve been joking about having a mid-twenties crisis, what with the boredom and listlessness I endured while on leave, but that was probably to be expected after working hard for an extended period of time and then finding myself with no obligations and nothing to do. Let’s think about what we want to achieve in the year to come and take better care of ourselves (i.e. let the exercise regime & development of new interests begin!)

Tough love,

Yourself

– – –

Dear narcissistic people

You may think you’re amazing now; you may get away with being rude and obnoxious all the time, throw tantrums to get want you want, and only contact others when you want something… This, however, will not always be the case. Just know: your day will come. That whole “do unto others” saying has been around for ages, and it holds a lot of truth. I am not someone who gets angry often, but I am really close to giving one or two people a piece of my mind. Your distorted view on the world (and everyone who isn’t as marvellous as you believe yourself to be) is going to come back to punch you hard in the face someday…

Definitely not sincerely yours,

Unimpressed & edgy

– – –

Dear coffee

Stop smelling so good. I just might give up all restraint and fall back into your aromatic (proverbial) arms… which, after 27 java-free months, likely wouldn’t be the best idea.

Tempted,

An ex-coffee drinker

– – –

Dear daily headaches

Stop torturing me! You just seem to be getting increasingly worse, and I deal with it, but we both know this isn’t normal.

Quit it,

Un-amused





Message Sessions II

27 04 2011

Dear weather

You know I love the rain – the cold bite to the air, the steady dripping rhythm against the windows, snuggling up under a blanket or in front of the heater with a good book… But, if you’re taking requests, I’d really like you to take mine as a top priority: please, don’t rain on the 7th of May. You can drown us with as much rain as you want until next Thursday, ease up for the weekend, and start pouring down to your heart’s content again come Sunday evening/ Monday. What do you say?

Respectfully

My wedding trumps my love of rain

——–

Mother Nature

I’m not going to pretend that I’ve understood you at many times in my life, since you’ve chosen to put me through hell plenty of times. However, if you’re willing to be a sport, and grant your earthly daughter a wish, let it be this: make my ‘that time of the month’ start this coming Friday or Saturday, pretty please?! You only get married once, after all (that’s how the saying goes), and I can do without cramps and bloating and everything that comes along with the red sea.

Yours,

Messed up ovaries

——–

Dear wedding dress & shoes

I just want to fit into you nicely, without feeling like I’m suffocating – that’s not too much to ask, right, dress? And shoes, you know I’m not a fan of high heels, yet it would fall in nicely with the whole team spirit thing if you keep me up and about without making me look like an idiot. Play nice, all right?

Signed,

Slightly nervous bride (who should probably start cutting calories)

——–

Dear wedding vows

Please write yourselves (or should it be ‘self’?)!!!

Desperately,

Time is running out

——–

Dear OUP

I love you – I most sincerely do. It would be amazing if I could continue working for such an amazing publishing house after the wedding. Just remember that I appreciate the chance(s) I have been giving, and that I feel honoured to have my name connected to such a renowned company.

With appreciation,

Intern editor turned short-term project manager turned…?

——–

Dear Smudgy

Mommy just wants to say that she loves you J You’re probably liking the fact that your collar has been MIA for quite some time, since you’ve now become a little ninja who can follow me far more stealthily… though I know that you always follow me wherever I go.

Love,

Your human mommy

——–

Dear eyes

What the heck is going on?! At first I thought it might be the contact lenses that are irritating you, but now it seems that you feel dry, itchy, irritable and whatever else most of the time – especially you, left eye. Knock it off; it’s time we see eye to eye (no pun intended… no, wait, I did – I so totally did).

Grumpily,

Why the hell won’t this go away

——–

Dear cat lovers

You need/ ought to read The Blog of Otis, which springs forth from The Cult of Otis website. The blog is written by Otis, a cat who now lives in the Promised Land with his human parents (who he refers to as the ‘Guardians of Otis’) and his two brothers, Oliver and Henry. Not only is it pretty good writing for a cat, but the photos are absolutely adorable. Go learn more about his life and his day to day activities.

So sayeth a human ‘follower’ of Otis

——–

Dear absolutely awesome writer friend (you know who you are)

YOU rule!!!

Signed

Your #1 fan 😉

——–

Dear Rick Riordan

I don’t care whether or not people don’t like your books, and that those who haven’t read them but only saw the movie judge you (though I myself am not very pleased with the actors chosen for the film, or how the film turned out, for that matter!), I want to tell you that I sincerely love the PERCY JACKSON series. I’ve always been interested in Greek & Roman mythology, thus it’s ‘fun’ for me to see how you’ve played around with things while adding your own personal touch (I also try to guess by description who certain characters and monsters are). I cannot wait to finish the last book, which I am currently reading.

May the gods be with you,

The Lady Hera [it’s a nickname that sort of stuck… though perhaps I’d like to be more like Athena…]





Message Sessions I

7 03 2011

Dear Hypocrite

You may have deeply hurt my feelings by attacking my personality while acting caring (in your drunkenness) and telling me that the people there weren’t my friends – but I don’t think I’m the one with the problem. I was at the birthday party because I wanted to be there, not because I was doing anyone a favour. Just remember that you’re the one who said that nobody there was your friend (you even listed a few names) and then turned around to go gossip with them.

Insincerely,

Odd one out yet proud of it

—–

Dear Smudgy

Thank you for being so cute lately. Everyone thinks you’re gorgeous and full of personality. Plus you actually seem to love me and allow me to pick you up and hold you for more than a few seconds, which is far better than being ignored or bossed around. Just one request: could you ease up just the teensiest bit with the meowing?

Love,

Your human mommy

—–

Dear visa office

I’m glad that the appointment this morning wasn’t as gruelling as I imagined (think big room with little furniture and a harsh interrogative style). You made things go both smoothly and quickly… So please see to it that our applications are accepted… Pretty please? I really really really want to go to Scotland – and making someone’s dream come true is the right thing to do… Right?

Fingers crossed

Castle enthusiast

—–

Dear stress [also known as OCD]

You’re always there, no matter how subtle or obtrusive and bursting at the seams. However, you’re not doing too much damage at this point to my nervous system, and I’d like us to stay on a good footing, so could you do me a favour and keep it that way? I assure you that there’ll be plenty of time in the not-too-distant future (like directly after the honeymoon) to get me all worked up about things like finding a job, debt, and many more excruciating aspects.

Nervously,

Someone who wonders if she should start drinking coffee again

—–

Dearest Significant Other

I love you. You are absolutely wonderful – we’ve been together for more than three years, and in two months’ time we’ll be married (give or take a few hours). I must warn you, though, that as it was your idea to write our own vows, something which you are now placing entirely upon me since you’re ‘not good with words’ and ‘not a writer like me’, I just might take a friend of mine’s advice and put in a vow that you have to do all the housework or something to that extent. You do realize that you’re giving me carte blanch, right? How’s this: “To have many chores to do and to hold all the household responsibilities (&blame!!)”

Just kidding,

Your adoring almost-wife ❤

—–

Dear weight

All I ask of you is to drop with two or three (maybe four) kilograms in order for everything to be hunky dory when it comes to my wedding dress – is that so much to ask?!

Watching you,

Less nom nom nom-ing

—–

Dear Libby and Addy

If I had a choice (and I know that I don’t and never will have one), I wouldn’t have chosen two others sisters, because out of all the girls/ women on earth, you’re the ones I’d rather be stuck in the middle with (if you catch my no-I’m-not-the-youngest-I’m-actually-the-second-out-of-three-daughters drift… what a mouthful!)

Hugs,

Lily

—–

Dear NOOK

Since I’m actually a book-in-my-hand lover, kudos to you for giving me the ‘real book’ experience. Now I just need people to send me some Barnes & Noble gift cards so I can buy more books (*hint-hint*)… I don’t want to spend the money on my Significant Other’s credit card. That’d simply make me feel like I’m taking advantage of him. You’re (t)E-rrific!

Reading in earnest,

Slightly ‘converted’ book lover